Life Changes in Slow Motion

     Watching your life change isn't as simple as a movie. There are no montages of significant moments, no neat plot to pull everyday experiences into a coherent order, and no one edits out the inconsequential parts of daily life.
      Practically, in fact, the real growth of changing your life occurs in those inconsequential moments. I'm writing this not pretending that I have a thousand more answers this year than last, however, it would be a lie to deny that my life has changed drastically in the last year.

     This time last year, I looked toward returning to Hillsdale with trepidation. Though I'd thrived academically in my first semester, I didn't feel as if I'd found my place at Hillsdale. I pushed myself to achieve as many goals as possible, but my ambitions had no direction aside from selfish ends. Though blessed with friends, I didn't feel as though I were living for a purpose.

    Perhaps as a response to this feeling, I became obsessed with trying to figure out who I was as a person. My New Years Resolutions were fraught with anxiety rather than the hope of new achievement. Obsessively, I wanted to change myself for the better, without knowing what "the better" was.
Looking back, though, I see that each day that I felt this nagging sense of unease with myself was a day where I was being changed for the better. Gradually, God blessed me with a self-assurance granted through the daily works of the people in my life.
   
      To begin, last January I joined Pi Beta Phi Women's Fraternity. I entered it in high hopes, but my understanding of the depth of meaning found within its bonds was shallow at best. Inside the doors of 304 Hillsdale Street, I found a house of women who cared about myself even when I wasn't sure who I was. My older sister, always close to me, became closer. She, and all my new sisters convinced me a of a truth I'd never encountered before: I am not perfect, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth investing time in to shape into something better. My experience in Pi Phi thus far has been a combination of that love and respect for myself as well as consistent encouragement to become a better version of myself. I've learned so many lessons through the "inconsequential times" with these women. Spiritually, I've been challenged and comforted, stretched to consider new ideas and provided with assurance of the truth. Mentally, I've learned to channel my desire for success in a direction that benefits more than myself. Personally, I've gained so many genuine friends, I can't imagine my life without them. My talents have been stretched in my leadership role, as well as in daily life. Instead of selfishly working toward my glory, I find myself incorporating the love I have for achieving a new goal with a love for helping others achieve their own goals. I can't wait for this growth to continue.

       Back home, too, my ability to push myself out of a constant examination of my personhood has greatly benefited my relationship with my family. When my brother got married this summer, I finally discovered myself fitting in with the rest of the family, rather than feeling a little like a confused outsider. My connection to this odd bunch of people always seemed superficial. Now my focus centers more outside of myself, however, I see how each one of them has shaped the person I am today.

      No tale of my changes is complete without a mention of my boyfriend Harris. When I met him the first time to ask him as a replacement date to Pi Phi formal, I had no idea I would find such a wonderful person and friend. Knowing him as taught me so many things, I can't even imagine the person I was before.

      Alright, enough on me. I don't want to write this to gloat about how well my life is going. I am certainly not perfect and my daily life is fraught with mistakes. But as I move into this new year, I want to share the sense that I've felt powerfully in the last week: a new year truly is a new opportunity. You have no idea what may occur in your life this year. Perhaps it will change suddenly, or perhaps it will change imperceptibly. Either way, open your heart to change. Our political situation may be depressing, our economy growing slowly...in short, life may not be perfect. But the beautiful thing about having your life change is that the refining is constant. Who knows what's in store for you--or me--next.

Thoughts on Contentment

     I'm really a lucky girl. Truth be told, I've got tons going for me. Often, though, I struggle with contentment, especially in the summer. With those all-encompassing papers looming either in the distant past or the untouchable future, it seems that I have scads of time--and nothing meaningful to do. Don't get me wrong, I fill my days. But the meaningfulness of my activities often happens to be, well, practically nothing. I find myself constantly degrading myself as I survey the lack of substance to my day. How dare I dream of being someone great, exciting, or important when all I do is merely ordinary?

    I've been home more than a month now, and that constant refrain is getting old. Despite the adventure of my brother getting married, contentment seemed as far away as the school year. Two days ago, all of that changed. Really, it was just a simple move. I was sitting in my car, driving home from my part time job. Switching through the radio presets, I landed on the only one not playing a commercial--the classical music station. The strains of Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in E hit my ears, a familiar piece that reminded me of things I truly enjoy doing. I'm not the girl who sits in front of the t.v. day by day. I couldn't care less about the latest celebrity gossip, and its a challenge for me to crack open a newspaper. The source of my lack of contentment wasn't the lack of accomplishment this summer seemed to hold, it was the restlessness within my calling for me to return to the things I love. These are the things that make me different, that fuel me to grow and flourish, and maybe, just maybe, push me on the way to becoming someone accomplished or incredible. 

    Its just a little change, but I've been challenging myself to return to the things I love. Instead of coping out and sitting in front of the t.v. of an evening, I spent four hours last night thumbing through a seven-book high stack of classics to relive my favorite scenes. My morning routine now moves to the soothing tones of Mozart or the flurried excitement of Tchaikovsky. 

    I'm done with thinking that wanting to be an author is a mere dream. Its my goal. Its not foolish or childish, at least in my mind. And so, to get there, I will drink tea and go to bed early. I will wake up before the rest of the household merely to delve into a good book. I won't hide that my favorite part of the day is wandering through the bookcases, remembering the books that have shaped me. I'll write as many letters as I please and keep a journal, because, contrary to many people today, I like writing things out by hand. Oh, and I'll spend hours and hours at my handcrafted roll-top writing, musing, and reading. In all of that, I know that I'll be more than content--I'll regain happiness and faith in myself. 

   I'm not anyone but myself, but maybe my experiences are like yours. Take this summer and embrace it, not the way you think people want you to or the way that's easiest. Rather, I challenge you to embrace it exactly the way you want to, whether its sophisticated, grown-up, seemingly meaningful, intelligent, or not. 

What Happens When You Pray

Groggily, I rolled over and glared at my cell phone. Despite my ire, the buzzing sound refused to cease. Truly, it was morning. The simple thought of rolling out of bed seemed insuperable--getting down to the work out room to go for a run seemed impossible. Still, at least one part of my brain was awake. Only half-commitally, I began a slow prayer. It certainly was no glorious meditation. In fact, my mind was only half concentrated on what I was asking. Still, buried beneath half-formed thoughts and grudging confession, an utterance of thanks rose to heaven. "Thanks for everything, Lord. God, let me count my blessings today." It wasn't profound. I wasn't even really serious about it. But rolling out of bed ten minutes later, I at least partially remembered the prayer.
And then, heaven started showering down blessings upon me. After my first three classes of the morning, I wandered into the Student Union. I received information that I had not just one package but TWO. Despite the fact that my darling older sister had already snagged one and needed to be tracked down, the grace was readily apparent. Two HUGE Valentines Day packages were mine for the having--a genuine outpouring of love that I could never deserve. There are two many highlights in these packages for me to outline each one, but the blessings were incredible. I just happened to open them in front of Crystal, a simple action that inspired her to heap blessings upon me. It seems silly, but when she posted a picture of my gifts to facebook and sent a sweet comment to my wall, I felt this palpable sense of love and acceptance that exceeded most other days.
I fairly skipped to my one o clock class, only to find it cancelled. Though I love the class, it was incredible to call up Lois and my dearest Katie Pynes to tell them that it was cancelled. Their joy was yet another gift. Thanks to a happy accident, I caught sight of Lois and got to spend some quality time with her. Pushing on through the day that had now become incredible, I found myself breezing  through homework. Soon, I found myself walking to a coffee date with Kelly. Maybe I don't know her yet, but the conversation I had with her was so encouraging and clarifying.
I have to admit that despite the outpouring of love heaped upon me, I still heaved as sigh as I headed to orchestra rehearsal. The Pi Phi mug of coffee (crafted by my unskilled hand while bonding with my pledge class) helped a little, but my excitement wasn't high. And then, one of the college alumns who plays in the cello section slipped into the seat beside me.
"I just wanted to tell you that when I went to school here, no one dressed up like you. I regret that. Thank you so much for looking so polished, it's very admirable."
Not only was this an encouraging compliment from a stranger, it affirmed that love comes from all corners. Plus, I learned a little about her too. In addition to being committed to this school, she was a Pi Phi just like me. In excitement, she gave me a hug and offered her congratulations.
I have Bible Study tonight, something that I'm usually only half alive for. Honestly, Monday can be a long day. But today, I've had an incredible blessing waiting at every turn.
So, if anyone tells you that prayer doesnt work, LAUGH. And if you feel that grouchy-morning-I-hate-the-World-and-My-Alarm feeling, maybe, just maybe, you should pray. After all, you never know what greatness is headed your way.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord..."
You can bet those plans include a thousandfold blessing that's waiting right outside your everyday routine.
Now, I can't promise that I'll be this happy tomorrow. But I'm not going to forget today for a very long time.
Happy Valentines Day everyone. You might not see it BUT YOU ARE LOVED.
All my love,
Leah

You Don't Need Newspaper Space to Write a Letter

Dear Self,
Alright, so first semester was great. You learned a lot, let's not deny that. But, despite your extremely dorky love of Hillsdale, you really have a great deal still to learn about this place. Number one, let's remember the lesson of humility. Though it's great to have a good GPA to look back on and a house of brand new sisters to support you, you still need to see the world through clear eyes. It takes the direction of God to move a step forward--to follow the example of Paul, all achievements made by myself are counted for not in the grand scheme of things. Now don't get me wrong, this is no excuse for focusing on yourself negatively. Indeed, I mean quite the opposite. Learning isn't just the classroom (Don't forget to keep working for that, though), it's understanding how to live life outwardly. Think about it: when was the last time you honestly cared to hear about someone's day more than you cared about mentally scheduling out your next week. Stop. Take a breath. Listen. You'll hear some of the greatest, most beautiful things this way. And maybe, you'll learn lessons even greater than those lovely insights you learned about in English class. After all, which role comes first: Student or Christian.
Think about it. Really engage your mind in the study of God and his people. All else comes from this. And though there is no grade in this class, the loss of not learning this lesson is far greater than a poor GPA.
Now, this is all about honesty. So, I have to say that you're not going to be perfect in learning this lesson. It will be as frustrating as getting to know a new professor, as much of a struggle as fighting against your inadequate grasp of prose, and its certainly going to trouble your mind as much as the petty stresses are. Instead of letting it clutter you, though, remember two essential lessons: One, as Aristotle said: "You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor." Two, pray as Aquinas prayed in this lesson too: "Give me keen understanding, a retentive memory and the ability to grasp things correctly and fundamentally. Grant me the talent of being exact in my explanations and the ability to express myself with thoroughness and charm. Point out the beginning, direct the progress, and help in the completion."
All my love,
Leah

A compilation of articles

I feel as if this blog is a testament to the semi-positive influence of Hillsdale. It has cured me of my facebook addiction, which is wonderful, but it also leaves me miserably behind in connecting with others. So, here are the last several articles.

Week 6

Dear Family

     Well, I’ve taken most of my midterms. I feel like I’ve come through with an entirely different perspective on life. Most importantly, I’ve discovered that I have very unique study habits. Apparently, it isn’t normal to have intensive study sessions in which no cell phones, no food, and no distractions are allowed. My friends gave me quite interesting looks when I informed them that phones actually belonged outside the door. Oh well. Cell phone depravation builds character.

     As of yet, I haven’t received all my midterm grades yet. I’m sure you’ll know when I begin calling home in tears. In better news, however, fall break was the very thing my sanity needed. Of course, it would have been nice to come home to all of you, but my break was quite wonderful. Fall is my favorite season, you know.

     My sight is now set on Parents Weekend. I hope you don’t mind that I have a list of groceries for when you come. Of course, these desires are completely separate from my excitement over seeing you. That list is getting rather long, though. Oh! I am so glad you get to meet all of my professors. They’re all  great. I have a feeling you’ll like all of them too.

     Ah, Hillsdale. Maybe this whole post-mid-term-panic thing hasn’t hit me yet. I still love the school with all of my heart. Perhaps I’ll have to re-evaluate come finals.

     In the meantime, I’m off to work on that grocery list. Oh, and homework of course…

Week 7:

This article was never printed do to a sad set of mistakes and miscommunications. But, for some form of posterity, I suppose I shall include it here. 

Dear Family,

It was great to see you over Parents Weekend. Really. But I must say that the festivities of the week make studying rather difficult. How is it that the positive influence of parents can enable such procrastination?

                Fall continues to be a great season on campus. There’s something so delightful in swirling leaves and crisp air. Somehow, fresh air and crispness make you feel like you’re able to conquer the world.  Pre-registration really shouldn’t coincide with such a blissful feeling of capability. Long lists of courses accompanied by autumnal excitement are a lethal combination. Thank goodness there is a twenty credit hour limit. Without it, I fear my eager eyes would fill every minute of the day with new opportunities.

                Speaking of eager eyes, I’ve already started thinking about opportunities for this summer. See, Hillsdale professors are always talking about great works of art, literature, history, etc. I feel like summer time should be a great work of adventures. What are your thoughts on a world tour? There are so many exciting sites to see. I really feel like it would be a supplement to my liberal arts education. Besides, I can always get a job and earn necessary things like money later. Right?

                Well, I’m off to put a firm end to that procrastination. Now that you’ve met and learned to love all of my professors, I’ll need to work even harder to garner the most from their classes. After all, my opinion of their greatness has been confirmed by outside sources. Ah well. Such is the dilemma of a Hillsdale student.

                                                                                         

Week 8

Dear Family,

I can hardly believe that there are only a few weeks left until Thanksgiving! The semester has gone by so quickly. Still, with the amount I’m learning, high school seems a thousand years ago.

                To allay any fears that I’m growing up too quickly, though, I have a few anecdotes of my foolishness. In between studying this week, I’ve been prepping happily for Halloween (you’re never too old to dress up). My costume probably takes the cake for authenticity, thanks to my lovely friends. I’ve also been craving all of my favorite childhood books. Would you please send me a care package of The Little Princess, my illustrated retelling of Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Little Women, The Secret Garden, The Little House books….Actually, can you send my entire library? I’m sure the postage will only set you back a few thousand dollars.

                Of course, I’ll have no time to read these delights. But I’d like to have my old friends around me again. Even if I can’t curl up in a chair and read them, I can sit upright at my desk studying Medieval Church doctrine and pretend that it’s light fiction. I think this will take quite an exercise of the mind, but perhaps I will learn to love the deep reading as much as the more frivolous matter. I am a Hillsdalian, after all.

                If you don’t mind, I shall conclude this letter with a few more requests. Really, I don’t just have things to beg from you. Wistfulness just seems to govern me today. For Thanksgiving, would it be too much trouble to ask for you to triple the amount of food? I’m already preparing my appetite for such delights as real mashed potatoes, home-made pumpkin pie, and scrumptious fresh baked bread. Mmm. I can almost taste it already. Maybe you should quadruple the amount of food. Off to refocus my mind on higher matters!

Week 9

Technically, this won't be published until Thursday. But knowing my track record, it wouldn't get up here for several weeks. So, here is a sneak peak at this weeks article: 

Dear Family,

I’ve been rather contemplative of late. Perhaps it’s the season, or perhaps it is the flutter of making sure next semester’s schedule is in order. Have no fear; I made it into all the classes I wanted. Thoughts about the future, though, have made me think of how comparatively little time I have here. I only have three and a half years left, practically. That’s barely any time in one’s life.  And then—gulp—the real world awaits.

I’ve decided to make a resolve to throw myself into things even more wholeheartedly. I’ve been attentive in my studies, but I’ve realized that the greatness of Hillsdale won’t last forever. My interest in my classes shall turn to fervor, if my resolution is solid. Truly, I’m incredibly blessed to be taking these wonderful classes, to be surrounded by these incredible students, and have access to the brilliance of my professors. What a wonder!

To make room for all this new fervor, I’ve decided to utilize the walking time between classes to extrapolate on my education. Whether this means humming orchestra tunes under my breath, reciting German vocabulary under my breath, or memorizing dates, I shall do it. I suppose this will garner a few strange looks. Ah well, perhaps it will gain me an audience. It’s only considered the crazed kind of talking to yourself if you’re speaking nonsense, right?

A final note before I embark on the adventure: I miss you. I know, I know, I told you repeatedly that there would be no homesickness. I recant!  I’m not even angling for good food this time! However, if you did want to assuage this sorrow, well, I wouldn’t be adverse to a care package…

Off to re-immerse myself in the thrills of Hillsdale!

                                                                                                                                                                All my love,

                                                                                                                                                                                Leah 

Week 5!--Late, as usual.

Dear Family,
I want a pet tiger for Christmas.
Perhaps I should preface that with some information. I went to the Hillsdale County Fair this week. I'm not sure if the claim "Most Popular Fair in the World" quite stands up, but there were a good deal of attractions. My favorites were, of course, the two baby tigers. One was a lovely white tiger, but I think I like the orange on better. He had a stuffed monkey in his cage, which of course means he would never be malicious.

I know what you're thinking. Really, though, all the deep fried food has not gone to my head. Yes, some pet tigers have mauled their owners in the past. This is tragic. But pet tigers are so cute! And I'm sure that if I got one when it was little, it would bond with me enough that it would never feel the need to maul me. Besides, I think tigers are rather like people in temperament. Some people are just naturally aggressive and others are sweet. I'm pretty sure the tiger with his adorable stuffed monkey falls into the latter category. So...Christmas? Please? I bet once you saw this tiger, you would take care of it until I was home from school.

In other news, my arteries are still somewhat unclogged. I did try a bite of deep-fried cookie dough, a funnel cake, and French fries. They were all rather delicious. Despite a few dares, I refused to try the natstiest invention known to man: fried butter. As great as the fair was, though, the extreme cold-wetness of my excursion has not yet worn off. I'm off to drink seven cups of deliciously warming tea, bundle up, and do my homework.

All my love,
Leah

Week 4, It's Birthday Time

Dear Family,
     Birthdays at Hillsdale College are quite fantastic. Though initially apprehensive about turning 19 without all of you around, I have to say that Hillsdale is making it pretty incredible.
     To begin with, my friends have been great about saying "Happy Birthday!" I think the constant reminders I keep putting out there might help. Oh well. I still feel loved. Additionally, my RAs put a lovely "Happy Birthday" sign on my door. It's pretty hard to miss.
     The gifts from back home are really great too, thank you! I must say though, you know me too well. It was probably a good idea to include the instructions forbidding me to open the package early. It does, however, still irk me that you anticipated such a move. Just so you know, I followed the instructions to a "t". Shaking packages, weight them, and trying to develop x-ray vision does not really count, does it?
     The crowning achievement of my birthday, though, is my once again being mistaken as younger than I actually am. At my birthday dinner, it took us quite a while to convince the waitress that I was, in fact, in college. Nearly every other freshman is shocked when they hear I'm turning 19. I think there is a rumor going around that I am, in fact, a very smart 12-year-old. I'm not really sure if I prefer reality.
     I'm off to bask in my birthday glory. I love you, miss you, and extremely grateful for your gifts!
                                                                                                                            All my love,
                                                                                                                                       Leah