Life Changes in Slow Motion

     Watching your life change isn't as simple as a movie. There are no montages of significant moments, no neat plot to pull everyday experiences into a coherent order, and no one edits out the inconsequential parts of daily life.
      Practically, in fact, the real growth of changing your life occurs in those inconsequential moments. I'm writing this not pretending that I have a thousand more answers this year than last, however, it would be a lie to deny that my life has changed drastically in the last year.

     This time last year, I looked toward returning to Hillsdale with trepidation. Though I'd thrived academically in my first semester, I didn't feel as if I'd found my place at Hillsdale. I pushed myself to achieve as many goals as possible, but my ambitions had no direction aside from selfish ends. Though blessed with friends, I didn't feel as though I were living for a purpose.

    Perhaps as a response to this feeling, I became obsessed with trying to figure out who I was as a person. My New Years Resolutions were fraught with anxiety rather than the hope of new achievement. Obsessively, I wanted to change myself for the better, without knowing what "the better" was.
Looking back, though, I see that each day that I felt this nagging sense of unease with myself was a day where I was being changed for the better. Gradually, God blessed me with a self-assurance granted through the daily works of the people in my life.
   
      To begin, last January I joined Pi Beta Phi Women's Fraternity. I entered it in high hopes, but my understanding of the depth of meaning found within its bonds was shallow at best. Inside the doors of 304 Hillsdale Street, I found a house of women who cared about myself even when I wasn't sure who I was. My older sister, always close to me, became closer. She, and all my new sisters convinced me a of a truth I'd never encountered before: I am not perfect, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth investing time in to shape into something better. My experience in Pi Phi thus far has been a combination of that love and respect for myself as well as consistent encouragement to become a better version of myself. I've learned so many lessons through the "inconsequential times" with these women. Spiritually, I've been challenged and comforted, stretched to consider new ideas and provided with assurance of the truth. Mentally, I've learned to channel my desire for success in a direction that benefits more than myself. Personally, I've gained so many genuine friends, I can't imagine my life without them. My talents have been stretched in my leadership role, as well as in daily life. Instead of selfishly working toward my glory, I find myself incorporating the love I have for achieving a new goal with a love for helping others achieve their own goals. I can't wait for this growth to continue.

       Back home, too, my ability to push myself out of a constant examination of my personhood has greatly benefited my relationship with my family. When my brother got married this summer, I finally discovered myself fitting in with the rest of the family, rather than feeling a little like a confused outsider. My connection to this odd bunch of people always seemed superficial. Now my focus centers more outside of myself, however, I see how each one of them has shaped the person I am today.

      No tale of my changes is complete without a mention of my boyfriend Harris. When I met him the first time to ask him as a replacement date to Pi Phi formal, I had no idea I would find such a wonderful person and friend. Knowing him as taught me so many things, I can't even imagine the person I was before.

      Alright, enough on me. I don't want to write this to gloat about how well my life is going. I am certainly not perfect and my daily life is fraught with mistakes. But as I move into this new year, I want to share the sense that I've felt powerfully in the last week: a new year truly is a new opportunity. You have no idea what may occur in your life this year. Perhaps it will change suddenly, or perhaps it will change imperceptibly. Either way, open your heart to change. Our political situation may be depressing, our economy growing slowly...in short, life may not be perfect. But the beautiful thing about having your life change is that the refining is constant. Who knows what's in store for you--or me--next.

Thoughts on Contentment

     I'm really a lucky girl. Truth be told, I've got tons going for me. Often, though, I struggle with contentment, especially in the summer. With those all-encompassing papers looming either in the distant past or the untouchable future, it seems that I have scads of time--and nothing meaningful to do. Don't get me wrong, I fill my days. But the meaningfulness of my activities often happens to be, well, practically nothing. I find myself constantly degrading myself as I survey the lack of substance to my day. How dare I dream of being someone great, exciting, or important when all I do is merely ordinary?

    I've been home more than a month now, and that constant refrain is getting old. Despite the adventure of my brother getting married, contentment seemed as far away as the school year. Two days ago, all of that changed. Really, it was just a simple move. I was sitting in my car, driving home from my part time job. Switching through the radio presets, I landed on the only one not playing a commercial--the classical music station. The strains of Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in E hit my ears, a familiar piece that reminded me of things I truly enjoy doing. I'm not the girl who sits in front of the t.v. day by day. I couldn't care less about the latest celebrity gossip, and its a challenge for me to crack open a newspaper. The source of my lack of contentment wasn't the lack of accomplishment this summer seemed to hold, it was the restlessness within my calling for me to return to the things I love. These are the things that make me different, that fuel me to grow and flourish, and maybe, just maybe, push me on the way to becoming someone accomplished or incredible. 

    Its just a little change, but I've been challenging myself to return to the things I love. Instead of coping out and sitting in front of the t.v. of an evening, I spent four hours last night thumbing through a seven-book high stack of classics to relive my favorite scenes. My morning routine now moves to the soothing tones of Mozart or the flurried excitement of Tchaikovsky. 

    I'm done with thinking that wanting to be an author is a mere dream. Its my goal. Its not foolish or childish, at least in my mind. And so, to get there, I will drink tea and go to bed early. I will wake up before the rest of the household merely to delve into a good book. I won't hide that my favorite part of the day is wandering through the bookcases, remembering the books that have shaped me. I'll write as many letters as I please and keep a journal, because, contrary to many people today, I like writing things out by hand. Oh, and I'll spend hours and hours at my handcrafted roll-top writing, musing, and reading. In all of that, I know that I'll be more than content--I'll regain happiness and faith in myself. 

   I'm not anyone but myself, but maybe my experiences are like yours. Take this summer and embrace it, not the way you think people want you to or the way that's easiest. Rather, I challenge you to embrace it exactly the way you want to, whether its sophisticated, grown-up, seemingly meaningful, intelligent, or not. 

What Happens When You Pray

Groggily, I rolled over and glared at my cell phone. Despite my ire, the buzzing sound refused to cease. Truly, it was morning. The simple thought of rolling out of bed seemed insuperable--getting down to the work out room to go for a run seemed impossible. Still, at least one part of my brain was awake. Only half-commitally, I began a slow prayer. It certainly was no glorious meditation. In fact, my mind was only half concentrated on what I was asking. Still, buried beneath half-formed thoughts and grudging confession, an utterance of thanks rose to heaven. "Thanks for everything, Lord. God, let me count my blessings today." It wasn't profound. I wasn't even really serious about it. But rolling out of bed ten minutes later, I at least partially remembered the prayer.
And then, heaven started showering down blessings upon me. After my first three classes of the morning, I wandered into the Student Union. I received information that I had not just one package but TWO. Despite the fact that my darling older sister had already snagged one and needed to be tracked down, the grace was readily apparent. Two HUGE Valentines Day packages were mine for the having--a genuine outpouring of love that I could never deserve. There are two many highlights in these packages for me to outline each one, but the blessings were incredible. I just happened to open them in front of Crystal, a simple action that inspired her to heap blessings upon me. It seems silly, but when she posted a picture of my gifts to facebook and sent a sweet comment to my wall, I felt this palpable sense of love and acceptance that exceeded most other days.
I fairly skipped to my one o clock class, only to find it cancelled. Though I love the class, it was incredible to call up Lois and my dearest Katie Pynes to tell them that it was cancelled. Their joy was yet another gift. Thanks to a happy accident, I caught sight of Lois and got to spend some quality time with her. Pushing on through the day that had now become incredible, I found myself breezing  through homework. Soon, I found myself walking to a coffee date with Kelly. Maybe I don't know her yet, but the conversation I had with her was so encouraging and clarifying.
I have to admit that despite the outpouring of love heaped upon me, I still heaved as sigh as I headed to orchestra rehearsal. The Pi Phi mug of coffee (crafted by my unskilled hand while bonding with my pledge class) helped a little, but my excitement wasn't high. And then, one of the college alumns who plays in the cello section slipped into the seat beside me.
"I just wanted to tell you that when I went to school here, no one dressed up like you. I regret that. Thank you so much for looking so polished, it's very admirable."
Not only was this an encouraging compliment from a stranger, it affirmed that love comes from all corners. Plus, I learned a little about her too. In addition to being committed to this school, she was a Pi Phi just like me. In excitement, she gave me a hug and offered her congratulations.
I have Bible Study tonight, something that I'm usually only half alive for. Honestly, Monday can be a long day. But today, I've had an incredible blessing waiting at every turn.
So, if anyone tells you that prayer doesnt work, LAUGH. And if you feel that grouchy-morning-I-hate-the-World-and-My-Alarm feeling, maybe, just maybe, you should pray. After all, you never know what greatness is headed your way.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord..."
You can bet those plans include a thousandfold blessing that's waiting right outside your everyday routine.
Now, I can't promise that I'll be this happy tomorrow. But I'm not going to forget today for a very long time.
Happy Valentines Day everyone. You might not see it BUT YOU ARE LOVED.
All my love,
Leah

You Don't Need Newspaper Space to Write a Letter

Dear Self,
Alright, so first semester was great. You learned a lot, let's not deny that. But, despite your extremely dorky love of Hillsdale, you really have a great deal still to learn about this place. Number one, let's remember the lesson of humility. Though it's great to have a good GPA to look back on and a house of brand new sisters to support you, you still need to see the world through clear eyes. It takes the direction of God to move a step forward--to follow the example of Paul, all achievements made by myself are counted for not in the grand scheme of things. Now don't get me wrong, this is no excuse for focusing on yourself negatively. Indeed, I mean quite the opposite. Learning isn't just the classroom (Don't forget to keep working for that, though), it's understanding how to live life outwardly. Think about it: when was the last time you honestly cared to hear about someone's day more than you cared about mentally scheduling out your next week. Stop. Take a breath. Listen. You'll hear some of the greatest, most beautiful things this way. And maybe, you'll learn lessons even greater than those lovely insights you learned about in English class. After all, which role comes first: Student or Christian.
Think about it. Really engage your mind in the study of God and his people. All else comes from this. And though there is no grade in this class, the loss of not learning this lesson is far greater than a poor GPA.
Now, this is all about honesty. So, I have to say that you're not going to be perfect in learning this lesson. It will be as frustrating as getting to know a new professor, as much of a struggle as fighting against your inadequate grasp of prose, and its certainly going to trouble your mind as much as the petty stresses are. Instead of letting it clutter you, though, remember two essential lessons: One, as Aristotle said: "You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor." Two, pray as Aquinas prayed in this lesson too: "Give me keen understanding, a retentive memory and the ability to grasp things correctly and fundamentally. Grant me the talent of being exact in my explanations and the ability to express myself with thoroughness and charm. Point out the beginning, direct the progress, and help in the completion."
All my love,
Leah

A compilation of articles

I feel as if this blog is a testament to the semi-positive influence of Hillsdale. It has cured me of my facebook addiction, which is wonderful, but it also leaves me miserably behind in connecting with others. So, here are the last several articles.

Week 6

Dear Family

     Well, I’ve taken most of my midterms. I feel like I’ve come through with an entirely different perspective on life. Most importantly, I’ve discovered that I have very unique study habits. Apparently, it isn’t normal to have intensive study sessions in which no cell phones, no food, and no distractions are allowed. My friends gave me quite interesting looks when I informed them that phones actually belonged outside the door. Oh well. Cell phone depravation builds character.

     As of yet, I haven’t received all my midterm grades yet. I’m sure you’ll know when I begin calling home in tears. In better news, however, fall break was the very thing my sanity needed. Of course, it would have been nice to come home to all of you, but my break was quite wonderful. Fall is my favorite season, you know.

     My sight is now set on Parents Weekend. I hope you don’t mind that I have a list of groceries for when you come. Of course, these desires are completely separate from my excitement over seeing you. That list is getting rather long, though. Oh! I am so glad you get to meet all of my professors. They’re all  great. I have a feeling you’ll like all of them too.

     Ah, Hillsdale. Maybe this whole post-mid-term-panic thing hasn’t hit me yet. I still love the school with all of my heart. Perhaps I’ll have to re-evaluate come finals.

     In the meantime, I’m off to work on that grocery list. Oh, and homework of course…

Week 7:

This article was never printed do to a sad set of mistakes and miscommunications. But, for some form of posterity, I suppose I shall include it here. 

Dear Family,

It was great to see you over Parents Weekend. Really. But I must say that the festivities of the week make studying rather difficult. How is it that the positive influence of parents can enable such procrastination?

                Fall continues to be a great season on campus. There’s something so delightful in swirling leaves and crisp air. Somehow, fresh air and crispness make you feel like you’re able to conquer the world.  Pre-registration really shouldn’t coincide with such a blissful feeling of capability. Long lists of courses accompanied by autumnal excitement are a lethal combination. Thank goodness there is a twenty credit hour limit. Without it, I fear my eager eyes would fill every minute of the day with new opportunities.

                Speaking of eager eyes, I’ve already started thinking about opportunities for this summer. See, Hillsdale professors are always talking about great works of art, literature, history, etc. I feel like summer time should be a great work of adventures. What are your thoughts on a world tour? There are so many exciting sites to see. I really feel like it would be a supplement to my liberal arts education. Besides, I can always get a job and earn necessary things like money later. Right?

                Well, I’m off to put a firm end to that procrastination. Now that you’ve met and learned to love all of my professors, I’ll need to work even harder to garner the most from their classes. After all, my opinion of their greatness has been confirmed by outside sources. Ah well. Such is the dilemma of a Hillsdale student.

                                                                                         

Week 8

Dear Family,

I can hardly believe that there are only a few weeks left until Thanksgiving! The semester has gone by so quickly. Still, with the amount I’m learning, high school seems a thousand years ago.

                To allay any fears that I’m growing up too quickly, though, I have a few anecdotes of my foolishness. In between studying this week, I’ve been prepping happily for Halloween (you’re never too old to dress up). My costume probably takes the cake for authenticity, thanks to my lovely friends. I’ve also been craving all of my favorite childhood books. Would you please send me a care package of The Little Princess, my illustrated retelling of Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Little Women, The Secret Garden, The Little House books….Actually, can you send my entire library? I’m sure the postage will only set you back a few thousand dollars.

                Of course, I’ll have no time to read these delights. But I’d like to have my old friends around me again. Even if I can’t curl up in a chair and read them, I can sit upright at my desk studying Medieval Church doctrine and pretend that it’s light fiction. I think this will take quite an exercise of the mind, but perhaps I will learn to love the deep reading as much as the more frivolous matter. I am a Hillsdalian, after all.

                If you don’t mind, I shall conclude this letter with a few more requests. Really, I don’t just have things to beg from you. Wistfulness just seems to govern me today. For Thanksgiving, would it be too much trouble to ask for you to triple the amount of food? I’m already preparing my appetite for such delights as real mashed potatoes, home-made pumpkin pie, and scrumptious fresh baked bread. Mmm. I can almost taste it already. Maybe you should quadruple the amount of food. Off to refocus my mind on higher matters!

Week 9

Technically, this won't be published until Thursday. But knowing my track record, it wouldn't get up here for several weeks. So, here is a sneak peak at this weeks article: 

Dear Family,

I’ve been rather contemplative of late. Perhaps it’s the season, or perhaps it is the flutter of making sure next semester’s schedule is in order. Have no fear; I made it into all the classes I wanted. Thoughts about the future, though, have made me think of how comparatively little time I have here. I only have three and a half years left, practically. That’s barely any time in one’s life.  And then—gulp—the real world awaits.

I’ve decided to make a resolve to throw myself into things even more wholeheartedly. I’ve been attentive in my studies, but I’ve realized that the greatness of Hillsdale won’t last forever. My interest in my classes shall turn to fervor, if my resolution is solid. Truly, I’m incredibly blessed to be taking these wonderful classes, to be surrounded by these incredible students, and have access to the brilliance of my professors. What a wonder!

To make room for all this new fervor, I’ve decided to utilize the walking time between classes to extrapolate on my education. Whether this means humming orchestra tunes under my breath, reciting German vocabulary under my breath, or memorizing dates, I shall do it. I suppose this will garner a few strange looks. Ah well, perhaps it will gain me an audience. It’s only considered the crazed kind of talking to yourself if you’re speaking nonsense, right?

A final note before I embark on the adventure: I miss you. I know, I know, I told you repeatedly that there would be no homesickness. I recant!  I’m not even angling for good food this time! However, if you did want to assuage this sorrow, well, I wouldn’t be adverse to a care package…

Off to re-immerse myself in the thrills of Hillsdale!

                                                                                                                                                                All my love,

                                                                                                                                                                                Leah 

Week 5!--Late, as usual.

Dear Family,
I want a pet tiger for Christmas.
Perhaps I should preface that with some information. I went to the Hillsdale County Fair this week. I'm not sure if the claim "Most Popular Fair in the World" quite stands up, but there were a good deal of attractions. My favorites were, of course, the two baby tigers. One was a lovely white tiger, but I think I like the orange on better. He had a stuffed monkey in his cage, which of course means he would never be malicious.

I know what you're thinking. Really, though, all the deep fried food has not gone to my head. Yes, some pet tigers have mauled their owners in the past. This is tragic. But pet tigers are so cute! And I'm sure that if I got one when it was little, it would bond with me enough that it would never feel the need to maul me. Besides, I think tigers are rather like people in temperament. Some people are just naturally aggressive and others are sweet. I'm pretty sure the tiger with his adorable stuffed monkey falls into the latter category. So...Christmas? Please? I bet once you saw this tiger, you would take care of it until I was home from school.

In other news, my arteries are still somewhat unclogged. I did try a bite of deep-fried cookie dough, a funnel cake, and French fries. They were all rather delicious. Despite a few dares, I refused to try the natstiest invention known to man: fried butter. As great as the fair was, though, the extreme cold-wetness of my excursion has not yet worn off. I'm off to drink seven cups of deliciously warming tea, bundle up, and do my homework.

All my love,
Leah

Week 4, It's Birthday Time

Dear Family,
     Birthdays at Hillsdale College are quite fantastic. Though initially apprehensive about turning 19 without all of you around, I have to say that Hillsdale is making it pretty incredible.
     To begin with, my friends have been great about saying "Happy Birthday!" I think the constant reminders I keep putting out there might help. Oh well. I still feel loved. Additionally, my RAs put a lovely "Happy Birthday" sign on my door. It's pretty hard to miss.
     The gifts from back home are really great too, thank you! I must say though, you know me too well. It was probably a good idea to include the instructions forbidding me to open the package early. It does, however, still irk me that you anticipated such a move. Just so you know, I followed the instructions to a "t". Shaking packages, weight them, and trying to develop x-ray vision does not really count, does it?
     The crowning achievement of my birthday, though, is my once again being mistaken as younger than I actually am. At my birthday dinner, it took us quite a while to convince the waitress that I was, in fact, in college. Nearly every other freshman is shocked when they hear I'm turning 19. I think there is a rumor going around that I am, in fact, a very smart 12-year-old. I'm not really sure if I prefer reality.
     I'm off to bask in my birthday glory. I love you, miss you, and extremely grateful for your gifts!
                                                                                                                            All my love,
                                                                                                                                       Leah

Week 3, Can you believe it?

So, I realize that this is a little late. This week has been a little crazy. :D Anyway, here it is.

Dear Family, 
     There is no better study break than orchestra, especially for a violist. You may interpret that however you'd like. Seriously, though, there's something so great about being part of something bigger than you are--music is one of those crazy things that makes you feel like you have a purpose. The softer I play, the more beautiful the orchestra sounds. I wonder if there's something to this.
     In other news, I think I'm making friends. That is, everywhere but in my German class. I may or may not have reminded the teacher to give our homework assignment on Friday. Though the intent was to make sure I hadn't missed something, the reaction of the class was immediate. they all swiveled in their chairs, eyes locked on their target. Terror gripped my heart. Jokingly, the professor said he would leave the room while they all pummeled me. I don't think the other students took it as a joke.
     On a totally unrelated subject, I've been walking in groups of at least twenty, my dorm room door is always locked, and I make sure someone tastes my food before I eat it. Safety first!
     Fall is beginning to settle in, which means only one thing: sweater season! I love sweaters so much. A sweater is the key to a perfect autumn day. Really, the weather is great here. I don't think the students from below the Mason-Dixon Line agree with me. Maybe I should be less vocal about my love of autumn. I wouldn't want them to be after me too.
     Off to construct an impregnable fortress around my room. One can never be too careful!
                                                                                                                       All My Love,
                                                                                                                                    Leah

P.S.

Oh yeah. And this is my face paint job. It isn't exactly a "thick layer" but my editor liked that phrase better.

Week 2, Makin' in Big...or something like that.

    I promise my ego is not the size of Texas. Only Alaska. Kidding, kidding. I still am having trouble getting info on my column from the online version of the Collegian, so I am going to put article number two on here. And, if you stick around until the end, you'll get to hear about my unique responses.

Letters Home
by Leah Bernhardson
Dear Family,
     I went to my first Hillsdale football game this week--I figure that astonishes you. Please, please erase form your mind all the horrible things I've said about football in the past. I repent! Watching football is not a waste of four hours of my life. Referring to a team I'm not a member of as "us" is not ridiculous. Screaming at the television is not a mark of insanity.
    I went to the game in gorgeous blue and white and a thick layer of face-paint. And guess what? The Chargers won. My voice is a little worse for the wear, but I hope I recover.
    Football, however, isn't the only thing occupying my mind these days. There's this fantastic book titled The Iliad that I spend a great deal of time reading. Have I ever mentioned that I really like English? I really like English.
    Oh, oh, oh! I received cookies this week! I know they weren't from you, but I'm still extremely excited. See, this appears to be a sign. If I merely wish for things to appear in my Hillsdale mail box, they will! I can foresee endless possibilities here. Cookies, large steaming mugs of hot chocolate...Oh! And maybe even a home-cooked meeal. Hmm. Must go wish things into my mailbox!
                                                                                                                     All my love,
                                                                                                                             Leah

Alright? Still there. Ok. Now for the funny part. So, after this ran in the paper this morning, I received a rather unique email response. Ready? Ready? I'll copy it in full...
"Leah -

 

Enjoyed your article - glad you liked the game!

 

Does this mean you plan to take football class in the spring?

 

Have a great week - God's blessings,

That illegible signature happens to be that of the head football coach at Hillsdale college. Most random thing to ever happen to me? Quite possible. I'm still not entirely sure how to respond. 

I guess when you make it big...Just kidding. But the email did make my day. I think college shows substantial possibility to be one of the most fantastic experiences ever. 

My First Published Article

     I might be a little bit excited about this. Perhaps. Ok, breathe. So, I got published in the first issue of the Hillsdale College school newspaper, The Collegian, in what I understand to be an ongoing column. Knowing me,  it attempts to be humorous, achieves being nerdy, and generally heaps a bit of ridicule on myself.
     Either due to my lack of technological savvy or a delay in putting things online from the Collegian, I don't have a link to the article yet. Feel free to do some digging yourself, if you'd like: http://www.hillsdalecollegian.com/     Without further ado, the text of my article. Oh, and attached is the picture that accompanied it.

Letters Home
by Leah Bernhardson

Dear Family,

Greetings from Hillsdale, land of the free and the home of those bravely awaiting grades from daunting professors!  I’ve finally settled into my dorm. I think. Perhaps.  Ask me this time next week.

                This place is really, truly great. In fact, I’m not homesick at all. I mean, uh, I miss you all like crazy and can’t wait to go home… Ahem. Anyway, did you know that at Hillsdale saying “I was homeschooled” doesn’t get you the what-planet-are-you-from look? I think this nearly makes up for the fact that I’m convinced every professor is working together to intimidate students. I feel like reciting Socrates’ “All that I know is that I know nothing” speech ad nauseam.

                Classes started this week. I haven’t gotten any grades yet, so I really enjoy them. I’m developing a callus on my finger from all the notes I’ve taken. I’m going to name it “The Good” so that I have some answer for Dr. Arnn’s famous question.

                I spend most of my day studying and lamenting the food in Saga. My favorite place to study is the Heritage room. There’s nothing like a collection of bald eagles in attack mode to inspire serious concentration.

                I check my mailbox every day. This does not make any cookies appear. Please send cookies. And Daddy, could you send more money? Caffeine is a necessity for every college student. Really, it is. You wouldn’t want me to be ill-prepared, now would you?

                I’m off to study again. I’m pretty sure the novelty of spending hour upon hour in the library will wear off after a few weeks. For now, though, I’m going to make the most of it.

                                                                                                                              All my love,

                                                                                                                                          Leah

Struggles

     So, this blog is supposed to be about being open. I've attempted to be funny, but I would now like to point out something I really struggle with. A lot of people hear me talk about the fact that I look like I'm twelve. Don't attempt to deny it; I really do look like a twelve year old. Over all, I try to be alright with it. But there are lots of things about looking so young that really bother me.
     First, people underestimate me from the get-go. I don't know how many times I've walked in a room and people have given me a skeptical glance. When I lifeguard, parents frequently give me the Why-is-there-a-child-in-charge? glance. When I was a debater, every tall boy we came against saw me and thought "Oh, I hope I get cross examine that girl. She'll be in tears by the time I'm done." The fact that this was a huge mistake is another story entirely. The point remains that people do underestimate me because of how young I look.
    I also hate being called cute. I'm inevitably referred to as cute. Cute is your two year old. Cute is your baby cousin. Not an eighteen year old girl. For once, I would like to be called something different. The problem, though, is that I often am so very ingracious about what's meant to be a compliment. Maybe people use the word "cute" in an entirely different sense than I take it in. Surely, my half-hearted "thank you" is in no way a sufficiently gracious reply. No wonder I come off as rude and abrasive.
   The other problem that arises from this sad fact is jealousy. I'm extremely jealous of my tall friends, my friends who look much older than they are, and basically everyone who looks their age. This is a large category of people, which leads to a large amount of jealousy. It's so far from being good.
   Whatever the above paragraphs have led you to believe about the intentions behind this post, I'm writing this not just to be open, but because I think other people have insecurities like mine. Maybe its not that you are self conscious about how young you look, but there's something that bothers all of us. What we all need to see is that though our particular insecurity might be peculiar, we don't have to feel so isolated. There are two things in particular that God highlights about this subject: 1. He doesn't look down on you because you're young (or look younger than you are). 2. He's given us fellowship to help get over this. So, if your big thing is your nose, or your feet, or your pinkie, remember that you're not the only person who feels that way. Oh, and if you want to talk about it, I usually can be contacted. And yes, even though this "twelve year old" is heading off to college, I still really want to be in touch with all of my friends.

101 Things To Do When Your Siblings Start School Before You

     Today, my siblings started school. Being a college student now (sounds exciting, doesn't it?), I don't start for two more weeks. To celebrate my freedom and my siblings' bondage, Lois and I decided to make their day extra special. To begin, we woke up early, went upstairs, grabbed pots and pans and proceeded to bang them in the vicinity of the groggy students (Because we didn't have school, we had stayed up later the night before and missed the pleasure of awakening them with this cheery greeting). To make the experience more pleasant, we shouted "You have school and we don't, ha."
   This was only the beginning. We also had a running conversation at the breakfast table that went like this.
Lois: "What are you going to do today, Leah?"
Me: "Not school."
Lois: "What are you going to be doing while not doing schoolwork."
Me: "Curl up in a chair, read a book, do some shopping. Basically whatever I want. Isn't it great to not have school?"
  After breakfast (and our walk in the rain--we can do whatever we want, remember), Lois and I proceeded to come up behind the more scholastic Bernhardsons and remark "Whattcha doin'?" in obnoxious voices.
   This behavior, though not exactly mature, is extremely enjoyable. My mother refers to it as a "way to find joy in my transition to college." I wasn't having any trouble finding joy in moving to Michigan, but I guess the explanation works. Perhaps, however, I shall persist  in giving it a different title. Its something I like to call "Revenge of the College Student". I mean, I would never be that cruel. Rather, I am seeking to inspire my siblings to graduate from high school. See, if they stick it out, they too can be extremely obnoxious on the first day of school. Yep, that's what I'm calling it. Older sister duty: complete.

Childhood and Memory Lane

    This past week, I had the wonderful opportunity to visit my best friend Katie on her farm in Minnesota. These trips are some of my favorite times for several reasons. 1) Katie is my best friend and has been since I was eight. Obviously, this is a significant reason for my joy. 2) I always come back from Katie's feeling stronger, tougher, and a little less helpless-city-girl. 

     Laugh if you want. In fact, anyone from the country is encouraged--nay, required--to laugh at my naive joy from playing a "country girl". Over the years, I have useful life skills like horseback riding, break neck sledding, extreme tree climbing, playhouse roof jumping, how to drive the four-wheeler, how to operate the riding lawn mower (the last two did not go particularly well), how to shoot a rifle (no comments, please. Its not my fault I can't aim), basic archery, and how to deal with my fair share of cuts and bruises. All of these I've embraced with a certain amount of pride; especially the cuts and bruises. 

     Believe it or not, I used to be a major tom boy. Until I was forced to attend my homeschool kindergarten all day, I could be found running around the neighborhood playing with my best friend, the neighbor boy Luke. We played everything from Indians to rolling in the mud. I was ALWAYS in charge and had no squeamishness when it came to small creatures and dirt. Naturally, I was always bruised up. For years now, though, I haven't gotten a good scraping. Well, when I was at Katie's house this past week this sad fact was remedied. 

    We were riding in the wagon on the back of the 4 wheeler and the bolt connecting the two broke. I flew forward, landing on my knee, hip, and elbow. The battle scars are a satisfying array of scrapes, bruising, and originally sported a sweet layer of dirt. After disentangling my glasses from my hair, ascertaining that everyone was alright, and making sure that my sore leg worked properly, I couldn't help but smile. There is nothing like a good scrape up to reassure yourself that you're not growing up after all. 

     I'm leaving for college in only a few short weeks, but I can't help but feeling like more of a child than ever. I love it. So, take a moment if you can today and recapture this experience of fully living. Whether it entails staring at the stars, eating tons of ice cream, spinning in circles until you're about to puke, putting a worm down your brother's back (he really needs to get over his fears...I mean, I would never EVER be that cruel), or having a watermelon seed spitting contest, let yourself give in to the simple pleasures of summer and childhood. Remember when your best friends were imaginary, the world was bigger than you could ever even grasp, and your greatest problems included deciding between playing hide-and-go-seek-tag or sardines until the sun went down. 

   What about me? I'm pretty lucky. I got home from the lovely farm today, so I don't quite have the crazy companionship of my best friend. However, I do have two younger brothers who haven't been challenged nearly enough by the Hide-And-Seek Queen. As for those worms, well, the boys better get over their fears fast. Because I seem to remember the best place to dig them up. I also shall endeavor to get plenty of corn-on-the-cob stuck in my teeth at dinner, and will follow it up with a dessert of giggling over my crazier exploits. Curious? Too bad. You'll have to wait for another lazy summer day to hear the further tales of Leah the Childhood Terror. 

When I make it big...

So, since I've wanted to be a famous author since I was about five. In fact, I distinctly remember being about six and hiding my "books" throughout our house so that they could be rediscovered by future generations. Obviously, such early work of such a famous person would be priceless. At least I had the imagination necessary.

Anyway, my definition of famous has changed over time. I no longer save everything I write for posterity. Now, if I save anything, its for future editing or my own amusement. In fact, for me, it would be enough if my books were read by ONE person who truly loved them than by a thousand people who merely breezed through them.

With that in mind, I would like to say something humorous about making it big (I felt the burden of clearing up whether or not I was extremely conceited before mentioning the following). If I ever get my books published, I would like to dedicate them to unique, insignificant objects. For example:

"This book is dedicated to my blue-and-pink polka dot sock. We've been through so much together--I promise to always launder you lovingly. That is, until there is a hole in your toe. Then, you're being thrown out unceremoniously."

(Note: I do truly love my blue-and-pink polka dotted sock. I wore it running the other day--with its match--and it was a great run).

I also want to write an about this book including the following: "This book is not about vampires. Or a post-apocalyptic world where everyone eats each other. In fact, it is what your mother would call a "wholesome" book. However, I've attempted to make this wholesomeness not very obvious by distracting you with things I like to call plot and characterization. So, instead of feeling like you're digesting raw flax seed, I hope this is more like discovering that chocolate zucchini bread contains something more than chocolate chips after you've consumed the entire loaf."

Nationals

So, as some of you may know, I sort of went to Nationals in speech this year. It certainly wasn't the dream I had originally planned on. In fact (as my last post mentions), debate was my big thing. But if you don't believe that God is surprising or that God has a fantastic ability to work beyond your wildest imagination, you're in for a unique journey.

It took a long time, but when I got to Nationals, God granted me a good attitude. Instead of caring about impressing judges and other competitors or having "We are the Champions" playing in the back of my mind, I just wanted to deliver a message. I didn't even know what kind of message I wanted to deliver--I just wanted to speak to people's hearts. Well, I got that chance.

From Day One, God gave me the best impromptu speeches I've ever delivered. They weren't eloquent--but they were passionate. They were honest. And you'd better believe that they scared me to death. You see, I was using impromptu to tell people about the lessons I've learned. Its really hard to admit your mistakes, especially when you're being judged on your delivery. But that's what God wanted--so I did it.

There's so much to say about my journey. There are so many blessings that I learned in those moments. God showed me so much grace throughout the journey. But I want to skip past the breaks (Suffice it to say I went further than I ever imagined or deserved) and focus on my last round. In finals, I've come to realize that I delivered the best speech of my life. It wasn't the most intellectual speech (ask the judges for confirmation--its true), but it was the most important because I was given a chance to apologize for my terrible attitude to some of the competitors I hurt the most. Have you ever had a chance to say you're sorry to people you don't know how to reach out to? Its an incredible feeling.

I was shaking throughout the speech, but there was beauty there. Even as the words left my mouth, I could feel that my message was sinking in somewhere. At first, I thought it was for the judges. It wasn't. That speech was for my friends who sat in that room, their ears straining to hear each broken word. Through that speech, I said I'm sorry and I said goodbye. I talked about what you want written on your epitaph in that speech. But what I was really thinking about was what sort of legacy I would leave on NCFCA. I know now that my legacy is that I did my best to touch the lives of those around me. It might not be a long lasting legacy. But its the best legacy I could ever imagine.

So, goodbye NCFCA! I'll miss you--but its time to go. God's got a big plan for me, and its only just unfolding.

Success

So, this was on facebook. But I figured since it was the reason that my friends told me to get a blog, I would put it on said blog. 

Have you ever wanted something so much you pray for it every night? Faithfully, fervently, and consistently prayed about it? Even inserted the magic words "If it is your will" to ensure you get what you want? Well, even if you haven't, that's what I did for four years. Four of them. And always for the same thing: to make it to Nationals in debate. 

                For four whole years, that was my single-minded obsession. I thought about it every day. I'd research for hours, strategize in every spare moment. And any time I had space for thought, I would imagine myself winning Nationals. My commitment to debate was no secret, but my obsession with it was insane. I still believe that I wanted to succeed more than any other debater I've met. And it was crazy. Don't get me wrong-- commitment is a good thing. But there's a line--and I've crossed it. 

                And now the road is over. I made it to Nationals once, but never again.  This year, at my Senior Regionals, I had one of the worst records of my life. The prayer I fervently prayed wasn’t answered.

                Or was it?

                Debate was my world. I wanted to succeed. But I failed.

                Or did I?

                My plan sounded pretty great. I was going to be top speaker at every tournament. I was going to win every round. And at Nationals? I was going to shock everyone by winning it all.

                But God’s plan was better. Do you know what he gave me? He gave me the best partner in the world, Heidi Kratzer. I’ve never met a more gracious girl. Heidi stood by me even when I terrified her with my obsession with winning. Never once did she complain about my extreme cases of nerves or fits of tears. Instead, she would stay up until two talking to me. She would drop everything to have five hour debate meetings with me. And I know that I can call her anytime and she’ll listen to me.

                God also gave me a crazy supportive family. My parents spent thousands of dollars furnishing my dreams—from tournament fees to my high heels collection. They took me where I wanted to go, supported me every step of the way, tolerated my crazy mood swings, and made sure I had more than enough Reeses Pieces. They’ve never complained. They’ve never pointed out that NCFCA doesn’t count for much in the real world. But they’ve held me when I’ve cried. They’ve talked me out of believing myself a hopeless failure. I am totally indebted to them.

                And God’s brought countless people into my life. Before debate, I didn’t have very many friends at all. Now, I’ve been blessed to meet many astonishingly wonderful people. I’ve never been so touched than this year at Regionals when I saw at least four people in tears for Heidi and me and heard many more praying for us. Before that, I never realized I could mean that much to anyone.

                It’s been a long road. It was a tremendous challenge. But through debate, God has been revealing his huge, magnificent plan for me. It’s been really rocky learning to trust him. I am still struggling so hard to believe there’s something better in store for me. But I know God has used these experiences to change me for the better. He loves me. He loves me so much that he wants to teach me vitally important things. Like how to let go, what to hold on to, and what’s really important. And he’s taught me what success is.

                Success isn’t winning a tournament. Success isn’t getting the biggest, shiniest medal. Success is living for something outside of you. I’m not successful yet. I’m still really far away. But I know that’s where God’s taking me.

                So what does all this mean? I didn’t write this to justify my obsession or to air my feelings. I’m not even a big fan of soul-baring notes. I’m not putting this down to tell you I’ve overcome my mistakes.

                I’m writing this because I don’t want anyone else to make the same mistake. I’ve been there. I know that it’s a hard, horrible road. And I don’t want anyone else to feel that. Maybe telling this story, as hard as it is for me, could help steer you away. Or maybe it’s just the beginning. IN any case, I hope I can help. Your obsession may not be debate, but I’d love to talk to you about it. Or just listen. I’m not the best listener, I warn you. And I still have a hard time not talking about debate. But I think—I hope—God can use even imperfect me.